I’m lying there in the VacoPED, asleep – or dreaming? I’m not sure anymore.
I’m walking with crutches, something’s stuck to my leg. I try to shake it off. Suddenly: this tingling. Then a stabbing pain – right in that same spot again.
It feels hellish.
I snap my eyes open.
Fuck. A dream.
My girlfriend looks at me: “You okay?”
The tear wasn’t real. But the pain – that’s real.
“Can you bring me an Ibu?”
“Sure,” she says. And brings me one.
A moment full of gratitude. And at the same time: inward emptiness.
I seriously ask myself:
How can my body produce such pain – just from thoughts?
I’m lying in the VacoPED, tightly secured. Nothing’s tearing. Supposedly.
But my head tells me otherwise.
And this is exactly where the reflection begins:
Am I overthinking this?
Am I just being a pussy?
Normally, today – with this weather – I’d be 300 to 400 km out on the motorcycle.
Or hiking somewhere in the middle of nowhere.
And now?
Bathroom. Kitchen. Couch. Bed. Repeat.
I’m losing my mind.
And honestly?
I don’t know if I’ll even publish this post.
But one thing’s for sure:
I feel like absolute shit right now. And sure, there are far worse things.
There’s the objective view – yes, I know others have it worse.
But then there’s this subjective feeling that throws you into a hole where you just don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.